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Radically Inept
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
  Speed and Shorty come by for a visit (it's a Rick Eddy kind'a thing)

Ya' know, there's a reason I like livin' up here. Most of the time, at least 'til tourist season, life's kind of slow. And hell, during the season, ya' only got to work so hard to get what you need. Kind of a nice place to be. But sometimes, ya' gotta' worry about the locals.

Speed came by tonight. He's been stayin' here off and on for a while. Nice young guy, most of the time. But, ya' know, it's kind of like, yeah, you do all right 'round here, but in the city' they're gonna eat your ass up.

So, Speed came by tonight, and well, he brought Shorty (yeah, he's still alive) w/ him. I only heard 'em 'cause the dogs were in the lower forty fightin' over a 'possum, and stopped long enough to let me know they were worried someone was close who might steal their kill.

Naah, I don't think the dogs did it for my benefit, like to let me know, they just wanted to scare Speed and Shorty off the kill. Selfish bastards, one and all.

You know, I don't think Speed expected to find me here. Probably, he figured I'd gone huntin' tourist beer and/or tourist pussy, and it might of been true, 'ceptin I had a case extra from last night, the women I'd seen drive up from the city for the weekend, seemed to have to work too hard to get themselves out of their SUVs. Bad sign, that.

Point is, me and Speed, well it's an interesting thing, my relationship w/ Speed. He's a good guy, and a smart guy most of the time, or you'd think. Plenty 'book smart', but, you know how some people just don't 'get it'.

Well, Speed's got a few problems, and one of them is that he figures if he believes it's true, it's true. And hell, I don't even think he's republican. Hell, I don't suspect he's ever even thought about votin'. Man don't understand the value of sellin' his vote...

You know, as far as I know, I don't know much.

But, it's like tonight's a good example. He came by to drop off some stuff, but he makes a big deal about picking up a 'flimsy' blanket. Yeah, right, you're bringin' clothes in, but you're takin' a blanket out...

Man, I taught him that.

Somewhere years ago, I told him how you get good whiskey into ball games and concerts (any whiskey you get in qualifies as 'good whiskey'). You could probably get bombs in, so consider this my bit for 'homeland security'.

Getting something past the screeners is easy. You just have to 'present' the right picture, more important, man, give 'em something to check, so they don't check everything. Taint hard. Take a bottle of whiskey (you know, whatever) or pipe bomb, and stick it in the sleeve of a stiff or bulky or both (best) jacket, so that the hole of the sleeve (button the damn thing if necessary), is smaller in diameter than what you are smuggling (yeah, technically this qualifies as smuggling), wrap the body of the jacket around the sleeve to hide the obvious lines of fabric tension due to gravity, sling it over your back, and walk through the gates. Shit man, this works. and I'm aint even CIA trained.

But, the story is, I'm the one who taught Speed. I taught Speed the 'sleeve trick', and like he didn't get it. He got the sleeve trick, he just didn't seem to make that mental leap, that I'd figure a 'stiff' 'flimsy' blanket, might not be a 'blanket'.

I don't know, maybe it was the chemicals in the water, or maybe, god bless his soul, he's just a might touched. So, as Speed is leaving, he's carrying his 'flimsy' blanket, but it looks to me, like he thinks I'm too dumb to see that the blanket aint even 'flimsy'. Matter a fact, he's holding the folds the wrong way, and I can see lines for something hidin' in the folds. At first I'm worried, you know, a weapon. But, looks more like a sack of, hell, I don't know...Like maybe a heavy sack of, hell I don't know...some stiff object, but on the other hand...

So, it gets more peculiar, he drops something on the way out the door, and Shorty (yeah, Shorty is still alive) reacts quick to pick up the object, and considering that Shorty ain't never been none too quick to do much for anyone, 'ceptin' it works for him, well...

Now, I could'a, maybe, said, 'show me what's in the blanket', but you know, it's summer season, and I don't really want a' know.

Go away. I know where there's some good beer, and you're in the way. 'Sides, I didn't really want whatever it is in the cabin...Go Figure. 
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