Ordering Pizza in 2008
The Wife got this via a good friend of ours. It was forwarded through several mailings, and I can't determine who the author is to provide them with the proper credit. Further, I generally don't like to post from these types of mailings because authorship is often difficult to determine, and it may well have made extensive rounds before I see it. I hate posting the passe`, but this piece of satire has the element of truth to it, that deserves to posted here at Radically Inept. So, with all caveats and apologies out of the way, here it is:
Ordering Pizza in 2008
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have
your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
Operator: "Thank you, Mr.. Sheehan. I see you live at
1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is
494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance
is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email
address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you
calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System,
sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of
your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode
sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure
and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care
provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm
sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean
Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why
I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and
your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.
Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Let me give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay
in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash
before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
account is overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have
the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be
about 45 minutes,sir. If you're in a hurry you might want
to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then,
carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car
payments, so your car got repossessed. But your Harley's
paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday."
Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've
already got a July 4th conviction for cussing out a cop
and another one I see here in September for contempt
at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here
that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your
return to open society?
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause
prevents us from offering free soda to any diabetics. The
New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling