Radically Inept
Saturday, December 11, 2004
  Help preserve wealthy, elite families for future generations

In a shocking move Thursday, NHL hockey players offered to take 24 percent salary rollback of current contracts. While there are cynics who say this act only demonstrates what happens to the thinking faculities of men slammed against the plexiglass retaining walls and hit in the head with dense rubber disks flying in excess of 200 MPH too often, this offer, from such a surpising source, has inspired people around the globe to take actions to preserve the wealthy.

A spokesperson for the hockey players union was overheard to say, "Look, if we don't do something ourselves, the owners won't. They just can't be trusted to keep salaries down on their own."

In a related story, Christie's and Sotheby's have entered talks to set caps on the prices that rare artworks and antiquities can be auctioned at. A Christie's spokesperson stated that the prices for rare art pieces, like Van Gogh's and the like, are just too high, and that the wealthy can not be trusted to spend their money wisely. Saying, "If we don't take action now, wealthy elite families may wind up diluting their fortunes, and then who would the poor look to for guidance and idolatry? No, there are so few truly wealthy families, we must act to preserve them so that future generations maybe filled with envy by their power and wealth."

There has been a huge outwelling of support across the population earning $20 million per year and more. Saving Our Millionaires spokeswoman, Mary Qay said, "Look. Everyone worries about saving the Spotted Owls, the Snail Darters, or Polar Bears or something, but no one seems concerned about how few wealthy familes we have in this country. If we don't act now, imagine that your children's children may never have the opportunity to know kids who have everything they want. People need people to envy, and in fact, that is what makes being truly wealthy so difficult - there's no one else to look up to and envy. So, these selfless families must be preserved for our future; they cannot do it on their own; they are incapable of not spending their weal without outside intervention. They a true American resource and deserving of all of our efforts."

There is talk on Capital Hill that action would be taken to keep labor costs down. One Senator was heard to say, "Minimum wage be damned! If we want to save the rich, we need legislation enacting a miximum wage. I've heard suggestions from some of my colleagues that a maximum wage for illegal immigrants be in the area of $80 per day, for a twenty hour day, and that for legal citizens, their maximum wage needs to be halted somewhere aroung $20 to $25 dollars per hour with exceptions for top management only. This will ensure that the wealthy owners of corporations don't allow themselves to squander their fortunes out of a sense of misplaced generousity."

Not to be out done, newly elected Georgia Senator Rick Eddy (R), elected as a democrat but switching to the republican party as soon as the votes were counted, is proposing sweeping legislation upon being sworn in for his first term. In a statement to reporters, he said, "Look, I know in the past I have said some harsh things about the wealthy, but I have seen the light. We must work hard, and be prepared to sacrifice much to preserve the elite families. My bill would change the income tax law to ensure the survivial of family fortunes, and unlike other proposals which only go into effect uppon the death of the wealthy, mine is for the living. I will do away with the taxes on the wealthy while they are alive."

Insiders have said that originally Sen. Eddy had proposed increasing the tax on the income of the wealthy, but is now suggesting a complete revamping of the tax code; indexing the tax to the percentage of wealth a tax payer has, so that if a person is in the top one percent of wealthy US citizens, that person would only be required to pay taxes of one percent. The same would be true of those that fall into the top two, five and ten percent, and have those tax payers who represent the largest part of the population pay the largest share of their income in taxes. So, with the poor at 11.8 percent of US residents that would be their tax rate, and so the middle class, comprising 44.9 percent of the population, would pay 44.9 percent in taxes on their income, with the expectation that eventually as the middle class shrinks from the burden, their rate will go down, and be shifted to the growing bottom income earners.

"Truly a visionary plan, with broad support amongst those politicians who get campaign contributions from the wealthy," was what one congressional staffer was heard to say. "It is bold action like this that will guarantee the survivial of elite families for generations."

UPDATE: In a related story, this just in: Members of the Walton Family, the Kennedy Clan, and the Bush Tribe have filed the first of its kind class action suit alleging class discrimination in the Federal Fifth Circuit Court in Atlanta. The suit alleges that the Salvation Army, Habit For Humanity, Toys For Tots and the Christian Relief Fund, among other charities listed, violated their civil rights. Arnold Schwarzenegger, speaking on behalf of the clamiant's families, made a brief statement, saying, "Why shouldn't we also receive charity? If you are going to give toys to the children of the poor, why should you not give toys to the children of the wealthy? And if you are going to build homes for the poor, why shouldn't you be required to build mansions for the wealthy? It's clearly a case of discrimination based on class and wealth, and is a violation of our civil rights." Gov. Schwarzenegger declined to comment further.
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